Riding the Storm Page 4

  She stuck out her chin. “Maybe.”

  Matthew nodded, saying nothing in return. After an eternity of silence, he lowered to the ground, patting a spot next to him.

  “It’s funny isn’t it?” he asked, looking over at her. “You and me.”

  She frowned. What was funny? Matthew looked at her and smiled, appearing boyish.

  “Sometimes I get the feeling that you’re the one person in this world I can let inside my head and feel better for doing so, then other times I feel like I shouldn’t even be around you.”

  Zara flinched, not expecting such honesty from him.

  “What does that mean?” As if you don’t know.

  Matthew placed his hand around her waist and drew her closer to him. “It means I like being around you more than I have a right to.”

  “But this isn’t wrong.”

  He kissed her hair. “It isn’t, but you have to see where I’m coming from. A man doesn’t marry a woman unless he cares deeply for her. I had that with Krissy. I won’t lie to you and say it was perfect, because it wasn’t. Somewhere along the line we both realized the marriage was being kept for the wrong reasons, but I still loved her. We had memories. I can’t just turn them off.” He picked up a pebble and tossed it into the lake. “And then there’s you and me.” He smiled at her and shook his head. “It’s fucking hard pretending you don’t exist.”

  Zara turned to him and touched his jaw. “Don’t pretend. We haven’t done anything wrong and this feels right.”

  Without warning, Matthew turned to her, burying his face in her neck. “I miss talking to you. So many things were going on inside my head and every time the phone rang I had to force myself to ignore it. Each time I went into town I kept hoping to see you, but knew I couldn’t go out of my way to do it.”

  Zara felt her eyes moistened. She knew, and perhaps so did Matthew, that even if he had seen her, he never would have communicated with her. Especially not soon after the accident when he was hurting the most.

  “I’m here now.”

  Matthew pushed her on to the grass and Zara arched her neck, his lips hot on her collarbone while his hand reached up under her shirt. A trill sound vibrated in the air and they groaned in frustration and annoyance as Matthew reached inside his pocket.

  Zara left him to stand beside Whiskey, petting the horse’s mane. Matthew joined them, apologetic. “Looks like I have to get back to work.”

  Zara nodded, expecting nothing less. Wasn’t like the place was going to run itself.

  “You want a ride over to the house?” he asked, climbing onto the horse and placing the Stetson on his head.

  Zara shook her head. “No. I’ll walk back.”

  Sitting high above her, Matthew turned around before heading off. “Zara, you don’t have to leave me messages before you stop by the ranch.”

  She swallowed hard, her face heating. She hadn’t been sure if she should give a warning beforehand and had left him an awkward rambling message.

  By the time Zara arrived at her apartment, she was floating on air. She had her friend back and not only that, but they were on the brink of forming a relationship. She glanced over at the table catching sight of the bag with the pregnancy test she had brought inside. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the test was positive. And if it wasn’t then she’d heave a sigh of relief and keep their relationship at the pace it was going. Zara snatched up the box going over the instructions. Hmm, if she had to wait until tomorrow morning her nerves would be in shambles screaming for an answer.

  She was over a week late, and although each day she felt the usual cramping associated with her period, it showed no sign of appearing. Now or never, she thought heading toward the bathroom.

  Chapter Five

  That night after his talk with Zara, Matthew found that sleep came to him with additional ease as if she was curled beside him. Unlike the pleasant thoughts of Zara he’d drifted into sleep with, Matthew’s mind shifted, replaying scenes from his time with Kristin.

  “Out with it.” Matthew lifted his shirt, gazing through the mirror at his wife. “Why are upset with me?”

  Kristin fluffed a pillow, propping her elbow on it. “You spent quite awhile talking to that girl.”

  “You mean the black girl?”

  “Yes her.” Kristin rolled her eyes. “I leave the room for a few minutes and next thing I know my husband is cozying up to another woman.”

  Matthew sighed and threw his shirt on the ground. “You call being polite to someone cozying up? She was trying to talk to you and you ignored her. What else was I supposed to do?”

  “Nothing. Since when do you care about someone’s feelings being hurt?” Kristin sat up. “And don’t pretend you don’t know her name, Matt.”

  Matthew took off the rest of his clothes and joined her on the bed. The guest room was looking more and more appealing by the minute. “So what if I know her name? Zara.” He hardened his jaw. “Yes. I said it. She’s a total stranger, Krissy. Don’t try to bring her into this. You know this isn’t how we imagined—”

  Kristin sank back against the headboard. “I don’t want to hear it. I have no idea why all of a sudden you’re so willing to mention a divorce.”

  “Because you act as if it’s the end of the world. You think this is what I intended when I said my vows?” She looked away from him and he moved in front of her. “Just because you don’t want to be the only member in your family who’s had a divorce isn’t a good enough reason. I love you, but deep down we both knew we were getting into this for the wrong reasons.”

  Kristin stroked his arm and brushed her lips to his neck. His cock hardened for all of half a second. “If you don’t want anyone else, then why can’t we stay together, just the way things are?” she asked, a quiet desperation to her voice.

  Matthew groaned inwardly. He maneuvered away from her as gently as he could without causing injury to her feelings. “Because that’s not fair to either of us. We both need to move on, Krissy. And don’t lie to me and say it’s not the truth.”

  He climbed onto the bed with Krissy and the dream shifted. He was inside a church at the foot of an altar. He stood beside Kristin who was wearing a flowing white wedding gown.

  Their wedding day.

  The pastor looked between him and Kristin, declaring them man and wife. He turned to Krissy with her hand in his.

  “Matthew.”

  The voice belonged to someone standing right beside him. He turned from his bride to see Zara, her arms outstretched and her thick puff of hair surrounded by a wreath of lilies. She was wearing the same pair of tight jeans and green halter top from the night of the party. Confused, Matthew stared at her as she gazed back at him with soulful brown eyes.

  “I love you.”

  Without forethought Matthew reached over to Kristin and slid the golden wedding band from her finger.

  “This should be yours.” He placed the ring on Zara’s finger and lowered his mouth to kiss her in front of everyone.

  “Matthew,” Kristin wailed. “How could you do this to me on my birthday?”

  Birthday. Wasn’t it their wedding day?

  Matthew bolted upright, his body drenched in sweat and his heart pounding. Scrubbing his hands over his eyes, he looked at the digital alarm clock. Three-sixteen. His entire body turned to lead when he saw the date beside the time. All remnants of tiredness left his body as he slammed his fist against the nightstand table then fixed his gaze on the date once more.

  He’d forgotten.

  Matthew slumped his shoulders and ran a hand across his face. Of all the days in the year, he’d forgotten a crucial one. Krissy’s birthday. Throughout their problems not once had he forgotten to do something special, shown her that no matter what they were going through, he still cared. And now, when she wasn’t here for him to reassure her with his words, he’d made plans to visit her grave and bring her favorite flowers, lilies, to show he did care, that he would never forget her. What sort of man for
got his deceased wife’s birthday? And moreover spent part of the day with his lips on the woman Krissy felt threatened by.

  He didn’t know what had flown into his head to make him think a relationship with Zara would work out. So what if she was a friend? He had other friends. It was he who chose to isolate himself on the ranch. He was doing fine before Zara re-entered his life. And what the hell did they have in common? Except the fact that he wanted to share every damn thing inside of him with her. She laughed at his stupid jokes, she was interested in what he was doing, what he did, and she wasn’t afraid to be open with him or pretend to have a great love for him that didn’t exist. Matthew closed his head and rubbed his temple, knowing it wasn’t fair to compare Zara to Kristin. No, it didn’t make a difference anyway.

  He should have stuck to his decision the first time around and severed all ties with her then he wouldn’t have to feel the crushing weight of guilt. He had married Kristin because she’d refused to leave her family and move outside the city with him unless they were official. He hadn’t wanted to lose her, so he did and now Zara, too, would be looking for a commitment from him.

  He was sure of it. No woman would wait around for a man without expectations of a more meaningful nature in the near future. Something he wasn’t positive he could give her. Heck, even if he was willing to give marriage another attempt, did he really want to do so with the woman he had almost cheated on his wife with, regardless that he had been pushing for a separation. It sounded sleazy and underhanded. As if there was a bright side to his wife’s death. A death that never would have happened if it weren’t for him.

  The minutes went by and Matthew knew he couldn’t return to bed. What purpose would it serve lying around contemplating all the scenarios of pushing Zara out of his life for the second time? Might as well get some work done.

  ****

  For the next couple of hours Matthew buried himself in the paperwork he hated above all other work required of him on the ranch.

  Before the sun had a chance to break over the mountains and gleam across the valley, Matthew hit the road, making the two hours journey to Missoula where Krissy had grown up and the place her parents chose for her burial. He hadn’t felt it was right for him to make the final decisions, so he’d relinquished it to Mr. and Mrs. Phillips.

  He hated coming here, everything was so damn final and it still felt surreal that beneath one of the headstones was the woman he had loved. His fist tightened around the stem of the bouquet of pink lilies mixed with white roses.

  He saw the words carved onto the tombstone just below the stone angel standing guard. Bending on one knee, Matthew laid the flowers on the fresh grass. What could he do but offer up an explanation? Wherever Kristin was she had to know what was going on, the turn his life was taking.

  “Happy Birthday, Krissy.” He ran his thumb along the soft edge of a lily petal. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it yesterday. I didn’t want you to think I had forgotten about you so quickly. I’d never do that.”

  He looked up and, ridiculous as it was, he imagined her looking down, hopefully with understanding on her face. Matthew sat down with his legs stretched out. “I’m not going to see her anymore. She’s not a bad person. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true, Krissy.” He swallowed hard against the emotions swirling inside him. “I’m not going to lie to you. I like Zara and I care about her, but it’s not the right time.”

  Matthew looked up again and let out a ragged breath. “What were you thinking driving home in that damn storm?” Hanging his head he took a deep breath, trying to keep the pain at bay. It was an unanswered question he would have to live with, there was no use dwelling on it.

  ****

  He returned to the ranch and was greeted by Doctor John Arlen. The pale, overweight man was perhaps the busiest veterinarian in town, and his wife happened to be an acquaintance of Kristin’s family. Normally if the doc was making a call to the ranch, the woman would tag along and stop by the main house to talk with Krissy. Today, however, Matthew was glad the older man could spare some time to have a look at the injured bull from yesterday’s fight.

  “Checks out fine. Bet you’ll bring in a cash load for that one too.” The doctor walked over to the pump and watched his hands. Matthew grabbed a towel off a wooden rack and handed it to him.

  “Planning on selling him this fall?”

  Matthew nodded as the doctor grabbed his leather case filled to the brim with medical instruments.

  “It’s going to be a harsh winter this year,” Doctor Arlen said, his cheeks growing wide with excitement. Here we go. Matthew kept silent refusing to encourage the doctor who went into the same conversation on each visit.

  “Yes sir, Carl Fischer told me that himself.”

  Matthew kept up his pace while the doctor droned on about his friendship with the local weatherman as they made their way toward the house.

  “Told me we should start seeing snow much earlier than last year, even a few snowstorms or–” The doctor stopped suddenly and looked over at him in embarrassment then coughed. “Hmm, well. It’ll be the same as always right, Matt. Nothing we can’t handle.”

  They neared the driveway, and just as Matthew was about to inform the man that he didn’t have to mince words with him or treat him like the first person to lose a loved one, he caught sight of black sedan pulling into the driveway. His heart fell to the bottom of his stomach.

  Too soon.

  The door slammed shut. His entire body jolted with dread and sorrow.

  “Oh look. It’s Ms. Whitley.” The doctor’s face beamed and he said something else, but Matthew had already blocked him out, unable to concentrate on anything save the pounding of his heartbeat. He was going to lose his best friend all over again. Best friend. Jesus. But wasn’t that how he had come to view her, even all those times before Krissy’s death when he tried to keep away from her?

  “Are you and Miss Whitley together?”

  Matthew blinked, bringing his thoughts into focus. Zara was waving at them both with her characteristic bright smile and the doctor was gazing at him, rapt with attention for an answer. Maybe the man did have something in common with his gossipmonger wife.

  Ignoring the doctor’s question, Matthew gave the man a light slap on the back. “See you on the next visit.”

  The doctor stumbled forward, catching his balance on the hood of his van.

  With a heavy heart he walked over to Zara where she stood leaning against the passenger side of her car. Before the doctor’s van left the driveway she was halfway to him, and within a second she was standing on her tiptoes, arms locked around his neck. Soft warm lips glided over his, yet Matthew inched away.

  “Are you all right? You look tired.” She drew her brows together, studying him.

  He shoved a hand inside his pocket. “More than you know. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  A pained expression took a hold of her lovely features and she reached for his hand. “What happened? If you’re stressed about the work here, I can help you.”

  He was only thirty-two but he felt so damn tired and old. Sighing, Matthew stared straight ahead. “It’s not the work on the ranch. I can handle it. That’s not the problem.”

  “Then tell me. You know whatever it is I’ll always try to help you.”

  Matthew moved away from her and shook his head. Did she really have to be so nice at a time like this? “This isn’t the sort of thing that needs discussing.”

  She gaped at him through large almond eyes. “I want to know. I know you better than you think so just tell me what it is that’s bothering you. Especially when I get the feeling it’s about us.”

  Sorrow turned into anger and Matthew snapped. “If you know me so well, then why didn’t you know that yesterday was my wife’s birthday? Why didn’t you know that instead of coming here and taking my mind off what’s important?”

  She flinched and her face fell. “What’s important? You mean your dead wife who I know for
a fact you were planning on divorcing?”

  A muscle ticked in his jaw and he stalked forward. “Don’t. If you have any common sense at all you won’t push this any further.”

  “Why not?” Zara planted a hand on her hip. “I’m the one standing right here in front of you. I’m the one you were kissing yesterday, and all of a sudden I don’t fall into the category of what’s important to you.”

  Oh God. How cold he must have sounded. Matthew reached for her hand, but she recoiled, hurt and dismay evident on her face. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “I didn’t plan on having a relationship with you.” There, I said it.

  Matthew breathed a heavy sigh, knowing he would only make the situation worse. He needed her to understand.

  “I’m not trying to hurt you, Z. You know we both agreed to let the friendship die and it would have. Only you kept on pushing and pushing it until I broke down.”

  She wrapped her arms around her middle. “I didn’t force you into anything.”

  He held out his hands and gazed at her. “I know you didn’t. It’s still too soon. And even if it wasn’t, I’m not sure I could ultimately give you what you want.”

  “You don’t know anything about what I want from you, so don’t presume that you’re an expert on me, Matthew. It’s clear you aren’t.”

  Matthew didn’t know what to say. “Zara, I’m sorry.”

  She shook her head and wiped at the corner of her eye. “I thought there might have been a chance for us. Not right away, but I thought if you had enough time to…”

  “Forget her?”

  Zara bit her lips and looked up. “Yeah” she whispered. “It sounds horrid, but I suppose that’s what I was thinking, hoping.” She looked at him again. “I was wrong and I apologize for the assumption.”

  Matthew winced against the knife being twisted inside his gut. “Zara, maybe if you just—” Wait on me. Let me get over this guilt. Keep pushing it.